going to a show is like going to disneyland, so says carla of me. and catching updharmadown live is definitely being first in the line for the the space mountain ride.

can i blog?

i just got out of a small room talking to carlos about the today is t-shirt day CD that terno recordings has been promoting on breakfast. terno is the umbrella company for today's music greats such as paramita, radio active sago project, juan pablo dream and of course, updharmadown. they have a CD compilation of songs from the bands under their care and each band has designed a t-shirt that can be purchased, too. i'm waiting.

i introduced myself again as Ivi, to which, paul in the backyard exclaims, "mojo flies!"

yeahhh... i really like this paul and carlos. good memoried musicians.

i literally approached carlos when i saw him standing all alone and listening to the band that played after them, and when we started talking about the today is t-shirt day, we moved into the small room where the rest are. here's the thing: i invited him over to our table.

what a dare. devil.

that aside, updharmadown live in outpost is like an opened hatchet. it's been locked for months and it's open. like what fellow fan said, "time to get high." high time, alright. they performed all my favies -- the world is my playground..., hiwaga, we give in sometimes, pag-agos -- can i stay high?

thanks to vera. thanks to the guys.

i am answered.

this is the thing, russ. #025 in espina village doesn't know what a dvd player is. until my mom bought a second hand phillips dvd/vcd/cd player from my aunt, it's never seen one. when it finally did, i made it a first priority to enlist in a video store's membership just to give the house a dvd feel and fill the once empty house with the kind of reality the movies depict. and yep, one of the first movies i rented out was crash. i've heard so much about it and the last words were from my cousin who just dawned on me is a real fan of unheard of, weird films. just as i thought i was alone in this genre in my family, i realized that it has another of me. (never judge cousins who don't speak a lot, they're usually the ones who's got so much to speak about)

and so this talk about crash just got posted. anyway, it's an honor to have you visit this blog, russ, my workmate, my old schoolmate, my friend. welcome.

i want to apologize to jackie. for the life of me, i couldn't explain how i could have forgotten you. really. i counted so many times the number of wormies to make sure i didn't miss out on anybody. but for the life of my counting and my memory (not again), i forgot jackie velasco, one of the most important members of the group (to start with, she's got unbelievably organized notes, joke). let this forgetfulness not be a sign of having forgotten you (but of course, at that second-ish moment of blog completion, i did forget there is a wormie named jackie (hey that rhymes!)) you can ask anybody jaq, it's impossible to forget you..

i apologize to vera. i made a word, but then i broke it. it's very un-friend-ish of me to have done so but you have remained a dear friend. i couldn't possibly put a period to a list of the things that you have made me realize about myself and about the world, so i wouldn't even attempt to start listing. but at the moment, i just have to thank you for texting me about the an updharmadown show-up at outpost. haha, that's the fan in me talking. you've got a fan of a friend vera and you just hit the jackpot for her. thank you.

i was planning to go with tiffy. our other concert barkada is bernie, but he's on a Novena mode for the law school entrance exam (no less than for the UP COllege of Law) that he is about to take tomorrow. bernie boy, our only girl, whether you make the mark or not, I AM PROUD OF YOU. so we were talking about tiffy...

tiffy, i'm sorry about the ear infection and i know you'll take the next few days of your mom's absence as a go signal to grow. right, girl? don't worry about the P300-ticket bangka. i'd rather miss that than getting it without having you to enjoy the free ticket with. char.

well, we were supposed to watch the bottlefest with updharma together but she had to back out. until vera told me about an updharma gig at outpost, i was bent on going alone. haha, that's the daredevil in me.

(but in case my father's reading...that's the dare-angel in me.)

what's happening this weekend?

my sisters are here.

cine europa is on. (watched one of the best gay films i've ever seen. it's called breakfast on pluto. gay movies can be innocent, fun and sensible, yeh?)

and of course, upharma. see you, dharmies.

today, i watched crash and now, i honor one of the strongest films i've ever seen (let me put this under the category city of God is in) and i could even probably bring this one up to that pedestal of the best that have ever been made. the only reason i could whip up for those people who think its oscar best film win should have been  brokeback mountain's is that they feel more towards the plight of the gays than the issue of racism.

which coincidentally -- or a result of having brought this movie up -- my cousin anya and i have been discussing over dinner tonight. she says that what's been keeping her away from films that touch this issue is that this issue is always being pushed to such great levels that everything that has something to do with the failure of a black person has something to do with being discriminated against. she has a point. suddenly, blacks can't be not good enough. she gets off the contest because of racism and not because she can't make the cut.

point taken. and rightfully so.

well, that's the funny thing, because when the word racism is mentioned, the word most often heard in any reply is black. crash however takes it differently. the issue of racism in the movie addresses not only the case of the black men, but also the cases of the middle eastern immigrants, the tattoed mexican, the negro, the scarred policeman, the tv show producer who has difficulty mixing his color with that of his white colleagues, the molested black woman.. racism happens in cycles. its moves in cycle. it is a cycle.

a white policeman, out of love for his father (who gave so much to the black community but only got his business closed in return), takes his anger towards the black in his profession and corners an innocent black couple. a black TV producer accused by his wife of being ashamed of his color, saves a fellow black man who tried to steal his car from the police because he thinks in a society infiltrated by discrimination towards his kind, he shouldn't turn in one of his own. instead, he looks at the man and said, "you embarrass me. you embarrass yourself."

a black woman who was molested by a white police officer finds herself in the arms of the same officer in the brink of death. she was saved by the very man who has stolen her dignity. the face she had on after her near-death experience was with the question, "how could i reconcile this?"

maybe we never have to reconcile. maybe what we can do is to go about our lives and live out of the lessons that certain events have made us see. these certain events are the crashes we must need. or else we'll go about life thinking everything is alright and that indifference is a normal thing.

johnna is back in cebu and she's still working for abs-cbn. i'm so proud of her. she could easily go back to argao and take after her uncles who are in politics. but she didn't.

kara is doing showbiz news for the local abs-cbn show. she's also an editor for shopping bag in sunstar cebu. i wouldn't be surprised if she gets somewhere else.

faith is working for one of the fastest growing real estates company in cebu. and she continues to write for sunstar.

bambam is part of the sarrosa international hotel now.

bernie is a volunteer for a government-supported group that aims to alleviate progress among the poor.

tiffany and jessa work for call centers.

vera is divided between her corporate and media lives.

jane is with marie france in manila but will soon be a part of the abs-cbn family in quezon. as in, that giant of a media mogul. as in, that dream job.

lyng is very happy with her baby zoelle and hubby michael.

gee is finishing her thesis and that activist life of hers knows what.

jessa just activated her lovelife ; - >

cedric is doing some thousands worth of writing for a company that sells english modules to hopeful koreans.

neil is seen at school more and more often and he's in people support, too. whatever happened to his obsession with making it to the daily news' front page headlines?

narsheen is inside the government and will become the change that it needs.. or i choose to believe so. because she can be. and more.

i am ok.

okin no longer has to catch the last trip to bohol on fridays as he works for GMA Cebu and if my sources were right, as a side kick to award winning radio personality, bobby nalzaro?

dulce and hera are finishing school and have active love lives as well.

kara and keith are back.

i'm not sure what lavinia is on now.

the most famous among us, chai, just got of the PDA -- as in the pinoy dream academy -- and could now be seen on TV in full kikay gear.

yen is growing with GMA Cebu. 

sheela has to quit her job in an advertising agency to fully cure herself of her bone disease. which reminds me: i have to text her.

in fact, i have to text everybody.

did i miss anybody?

i just said i'm ok.

there's word that Cebu will literally close down during the 12th ASEAN summit on the 11th, 12th, 13th, and 14th of December. on the 15th, i'm off to manila and get on my first airplane ride alone. but that's another thrill of a story i'd rather reserve when it happens. back to the ASEAN summit...

so i had everything planned, with the mark of confirmation clearly on top of a long break in ormoc. but this might not... in my very strategic place at the office, i heard top management talk about work for export businesses on those days, while the rest of Cebu sleeps in the midst of all the government hoollaballoo (so they still believe it these days?). and the showroom will probably be at its busiest. visits have already been planned, the most honoring so far that from the wife of the australian prime minister. forgot who he is but i do remember passing by one of his homes in our boat ride around the sydney harbour...

oh memories... but back to the philippines.

i think it's crap -- not the actual the no-school and no-work part of the summit -- but the idea of why they decided on that. the idea why they're cleaning up the city. why they're building a pretentious mega structure that might not be finished on time anyway. why they are pretending to be a country that we are not. how crap-ish.

how pretentious. if the summit will only be a cloak of pretense, then why do millions of taxpayers' money have to be wasted for it. or is that the whole point of the summit. to spend and to pretend. isn't addressing the issues of the countries -- third world southeast asian countries -- the whole point of the summit? then why spend and pretend that we are not.

i am blabbing and i am sorry. i am just one of the many who pass by streets strewn with sleeping streetchildren. it's a concentration camp for everybody to pass by and to see. i am sorry.

jackie is asking me about doughnuts and i don't know if i should elucidate further. it's been almost 10 days since i blogged after all (see next post and find out why i'm back) so i'm quite confused whether it'd make a good come-back talk or crap.

oh well.. well, i hate doughnuts generally but i love to eat anyway and eat pastillas before anything else (who doesn't?). which is then followed by my love for go nuts' pastillas doughnut (again, who hates it?). it's a sinful kind of love, so that's all.

vera, exactly how busy are you? ; - ) miss you dear, please do let me know how to push my manuscripts to the next workshops. i'd love to know if somebody else aside from me would think that i do know how to write, and write well :) i'm super proud of you and yeni.

last week was a blast week. i missed the trick or treat of course and bienni almost missed it, too, because superkitten got delayed. but she was so excited about her ballerina attire that the spirit of getting a LOT of candies was overcome by the spirit of dressing up in her dream attire. and there's more that i can say about my love. i love her so. and more. but it sounds the same so let's seal it.

on November 1, we heard Mass early and trooped to McDonalds in JY. we opened and crowded the 2nd floor for breakfast, which ended around 1030. after breakfast, tito bingcol stood up and announced, "so, are we headed for the location of our lunch?"

laugh out loud. right. so right.

there and then, i realized how much being surrounded by family is to me. it's so much that i feel if i spoil myself with it, i might get too rotten. i'm glad where i am. and though i find myself crying, being a wimp, giving way to nostalgia, the important thought that it is in these moments that i find the strength being surrounded by emptiness.

not so bad, because it is also in this emptiness that i can be surrounded by will, growth and the courage to be on my own and loving every moment of it. 

jessa and alex are together now.

i could not tell if i saw it coming; somehow, that never figured out in any futuristic state of my mind weeks/months back. for one thing, i was harbouring a huge crush on him. and another thing, he was supposed to be courting somebody else. and the last thing, i was still harbouring a huge crush on him week/months back, and him teaming up with one of my dearest friends just didn't appeal too much (or not at all). 

but it happened. or should i have i known it happens, it could happen. it was bound to happen. for one thing, they had a real friendship. and they're both gorgeous. that makes one thing two things.

alright, i'm just running in number 8s now. but my indifference is also forever. those who've known how huge a crush i had on alex would never believe this, but there was not a budge in any part of my system. not even in the tiniest vein in my ugly hands that could have triggered the bigger veins to drop the receiver of the phone. i would have loved that. and as slowly as my tears welled down my face, i could have picked it up. and wobbly my voice could have been, i speak up and confess: i'm still in love with him. and i vow never to talk to jessa.

naks!

joke, joke. JOKE. when tiffany told me over the phone, i could not help but laugh. apparently they got together some few days after the japanese film festival. after the day jessa told me she's no longer affected by him at all. after seeing him with this girl. that's what pulled me 10 steps back the moment i heard it. with that, a romance now sounds to me like something that was always there. a lot of obstacles got in the way, but like all things that get in the way, they always clear out.

patience kills, but pays more. jessa, i'm truly happy for you. 

i remember how filled my past weekend was and laugh at how this one that is about to end has been -- except for a few Go Nuts doughnuts, 4 bags of chips, hours staring at the computer, and an article on print -- such a major drag. but i never did get to write anything about it (the past weekend i mean). so i'm leaving you with a few (top 10) notes on it:

10 the japanese comedy at the japanese film festival

"There was a guy who was torn between his feisty mother and strong-willed Filipinas girl, a husband who was left with his infant daughter by his wife, a new taxi driver who always got lost, a japanese who hated koreans but always borrowed money from one. Imagine all that in one movie. It's weird but one funny take on taxi drivers' lives. For that, fan na ko ug japanese comedy. Hahahaha"

(as text messaged to narsheen when she asked how the movie was)

9 seeing pictures of zoelle

she's the first "baby" borne out of our class (if we won't count the babies of liza and zyra who got out of UP during our 3rd and 2nd year, respectively) thus her arrival has always been the most anticipated. 

8 meeting up with fellow wormies at the film festival

our class have always been present at these film festivals since our student days so it wasn't a surprise when we bumped into each other at the most recent one in ayala. what a relief when i saw jessa, tiffany and lyng again (boosters to my confidence, providers of instant comfort, witnesses to my transformation, unconditional friends to my confused soul, ears to my hours' worth of complaints, worries, little joys and success, molders to the person i am now). it's been weeks and months (with lyng).

(italized words form an excerpt from my graduation message to them)

7 japanese cheesecake at leona's

not so sweet, so safe.

6 the free yet unnamed cake at leona's

... which they just handed over to us when we entered the dessert haven. it was good and the best thing about is they didn't charge us for a whole unselfish test slice.

5 getting my high school classmates to attend mass

4 jollibee morning with kids from a community

"Thank you so much for making the kiddie party  possible! with this, you are now ready to pay it forward. sa uulitin!"

(thank you text from one of the organizers and my friend, andre)

3 lunch reunion with my high school classmates jesseca and jamie

and i learned how much (info) i was missed about our old friends. katrina is taking up education. osang has a boyfriend. noemi has always been sickly? dorbien and mark are living in with their respective partners (what?). joseph the computer smartie hasn't graduated yet. i wouldn't want to know what has happened to the rest of the guys. to save me from instantly believing utterly wrong news, i might have to see them myself. (where art thou?)

2 a weekend away from home

yes, it was the first weekend ever that i was actually out more than in the house.

1 halohalo at the stall nearest to cinema one at the ayala center

yum.

since this varies on a weekly/monthly basis, let me inform you.

SOUNDTRACK of my life AT THE MOMENT:

1 UpDharmaDown Giving Birth

2, 3 Anthony and the Johnsons Fist Full of Love/Hope There's Someone

4, 5, 6, 7, 8 Arcade Fire Cold Wind/Neighborhood #1/In the Backseat/No Cars Go/Rebellion

9, 10, 11 Badly Drawn Boy Silent Sigh/Something to Talk About/ The Shining

12 Chantal Kreviazuk Time

13 Leona Naess Charm Attack

14, 15 Nina Simone Just in Time/My Baby Just Cares for Me

16 Led Zepplin Tangerine

17 Broken Social Scene Major Label Debut

before i looked for the cheeze nibbles...

This is just great. There is a Go Nuts, Donuts branch that just opened at the Robinson’s Mall, which is – thank you very much – just at the other end of my standard daily walking exercise; which means, the only doughnut I can tolerate is THIS accessible already. Pity me, oh gods and goddesses of good food.

I'm never a fan of doughnuts, let me stress that. But I love the one with the pastillas filling from Go Nuts (gawd, of all flavors, it has to be the one that sounds most like that devil of a sweet stick that gave me my 20+ increase in the weighing scale), and somehow, I learned to love the one with the choco-hazelnut filling, mocca, cinnamon, and the list goes on. Zap me dead, I’m now a fan of Donuts.

And after finishing at 7:25 am today the last of three doughnuts I bought yesterday (to save you from trying to estimate what I can still finish within the day – just don’t), my cravings shifted to Cheeze Nibbles.

after looking for the cheeze nibbles...

... which, by the way, i didn't find at the nearest mini-grocery from home; so i bought piattos in roadhouse barbecue instead. what a filthy mouth. on the bright side, i have an article out.

food aside...

i remember in the past few weeks, when i have an article out on print, the most recent ex-boyfriend of my sister whom we all don't like (a.k.a. dandan who is trying to win back my sister, by the way, after a freakish one-month relationship last year) would text to cheer me on and congratulate me for a great article. i never considered it crap (fool me) and even gave him a chance of getting my reply. i knew he was trying to win my sister by winning us first (foolest him). he wish. 

then he sent me a freaky 6-message message apologizing for breaking my sister's heart before and saying things like, "whether my fighting for her back would work or not..." blah, blah, blah. so, it was all crap. and i'm the foolest for even believing that he liked my writing. not that he'd know the difference between a good and a bad one.

pahabol...

we had quite a treat during lunch on poppy's birthday (during my "wee bit" visit in ormoc) when he sent a bouquet of flowers for her. maica's greatest mistake was leaving the "i'm sorry for hurting you..." crappy of a message pasted on the paper, for every nosy eyes to read. (buzzer ON) and i did read it. so did ting.

all together now: "no way jose."

in this case: "no way caveman."

(haha, that's 5 years more to the years of single-blessedness for my sister iana and i)

happy trick or treat to all. may your loot bags be filled...

thanks to Phillips (or should i completely blame it on my forgetfulness to do even the smallest things like turning off the CD player), i will have to stay hungry of music playtime unless i get unlazy enough to turn on the computer and patient enough to wait on its turtle speed. they're charging me P 2,950 for the lens (that i broke by the way). alright, alright, it's my fault.

i was willing to shell out P 500 from my own pocket but i didn't expect 4 digits. i made the lady repeat the amount to me around 4 times since i also have a hearing problem at times. and darn, i did get it right the first time around.

ouch.

so now, between my obsession for broken social scene and a few nina simones is this tube box that thank you very much, i already get so much time with. in fact, i spend more time with the computer more than with anything else in my life now. how sad is that? so sad.

yesterday, i filled myself up with energy to make up for my two days of leave but i found myself being dragged instead of taking charge. i had a few teary moments when ms sheela, ms setty and malou asked me how my home visit was. thank God -- people have been telling me that i'm fast becoming mean, but i haven't completely gone indifferent. hooorah.

to top that dragging hell, i read the comment of one of our biggest clients to ms sheela who took care of my businesses while i was away. "thanks for the speedy reply." darn, i never, in my 2 months, got that. darn. darn. darn.

i know darn's been said too much, but in the original draft i had for this post (which i accidentally erased -- oh gee, i forgot something!), i made use of my "shitty" powers. so, you shouldn't feel getting too much of it. honestly, you want to make it sound shitty.

thanks to ms sheela who'd been such a consolation yesterday.

thanks to vera, who taught me yesterday the importance of glancing at my cellphone once in a while. how often do you get a VIP ticket for a jazz musician concert?

i wanted to strangle myself and lose some breathing rights for a while, which by the way was no surprise yesterday, since that really crossed my mind a thousand times. my only mistake was that i placed it at the bottom of the to-do list, after all the work i still needed to finish. well, i never got to finish those needed work so i never got to that item. darn.

vera, yours were the words yesterday. keep it up. (and hopefully, with your power with poetry, you can tell me how you got jazzed.)