jackie is asking me about doughnuts and i don't know if i should elucidate further. it's been almost 10 days since i blogged after all (see next post and find out why i'm back) so i'm quite confused whether it'd make a good come-back talk or crap.

oh well.. well, i hate doughnuts generally but i love to eat anyway and eat pastillas before anything else (who doesn't?). which is then followed by my love for go nuts' pastillas doughnut (again, who hates it?). it's a sinful kind of love, so that's all.

vera, exactly how busy are you? ; - ) miss you dear, please do let me know how to push my manuscripts to the next workshops. i'd love to know if somebody else aside from me would think that i do know how to write, and write well :) i'm super proud of you and yeni.

last week was a blast week. i missed the trick or treat of course and bienni almost missed it, too, because superkitten got delayed. but she was so excited about her ballerina attire that the spirit of getting a LOT of candies was overcome by the spirit of dressing up in her dream attire. and there's more that i can say about my love. i love her so. and more. but it sounds the same so let's seal it.

on November 1, we heard Mass early and trooped to McDonalds in JY. we opened and crowded the 2nd floor for breakfast, which ended around 1030. after breakfast, tito bingcol stood up and announced, "so, are we headed for the location of our lunch?"

laugh out loud. right. so right.

there and then, i realized how much being surrounded by family is to me. it's so much that i feel if i spoil myself with it, i might get too rotten. i'm glad where i am. and though i find myself crying, being a wimp, giving way to nostalgia, the important thought that it is in these moments that i find the strength being surrounded by emptiness.

not so bad, because it is also in this emptiness that i can be surrounded by will, growth and the courage to be on my own and loving every moment of it. 

jessa and alex are together now.

i could not tell if i saw it coming; somehow, that never figured out in any futuristic state of my mind weeks/months back. for one thing, i was harbouring a huge crush on him. and another thing, he was supposed to be courting somebody else. and the last thing, i was still harbouring a huge crush on him week/months back, and him teaming up with one of my dearest friends just didn't appeal too much (or not at all). 

but it happened. or should i have i known it happens, it could happen. it was bound to happen. for one thing, they had a real friendship. and they're both gorgeous. that makes one thing two things.

alright, i'm just running in number 8s now. but my indifference is also forever. those who've known how huge a crush i had on alex would never believe this, but there was not a budge in any part of my system. not even in the tiniest vein in my ugly hands that could have triggered the bigger veins to drop the receiver of the phone. i would have loved that. and as slowly as my tears welled down my face, i could have picked it up. and wobbly my voice could have been, i speak up and confess: i'm still in love with him. and i vow never to talk to jessa.

naks!

joke, joke. JOKE. when tiffany told me over the phone, i could not help but laugh. apparently they got together some few days after the japanese film festival. after the day jessa told me she's no longer affected by him at all. after seeing him with this girl. that's what pulled me 10 steps back the moment i heard it. with that, a romance now sounds to me like something that was always there. a lot of obstacles got in the way, but like all things that get in the way, they always clear out.

patience kills, but pays more. jessa, i'm truly happy for you. 

i remember how filled my past weekend was and laugh at how this one that is about to end has been -- except for a few Go Nuts doughnuts, 4 bags of chips, hours staring at the computer, and an article on print -- such a major drag. but i never did get to write anything about it (the past weekend i mean). so i'm leaving you with a few (top 10) notes on it:

10 the japanese comedy at the japanese film festival

"There was a guy who was torn between his feisty mother and strong-willed Filipinas girl, a husband who was left with his infant daughter by his wife, a new taxi driver who always got lost, a japanese who hated koreans but always borrowed money from one. Imagine all that in one movie. It's weird but one funny take on taxi drivers' lives. For that, fan na ko ug japanese comedy. Hahahaha"

(as text messaged to narsheen when she asked how the movie was)

9 seeing pictures of zoelle

she's the first "baby" borne out of our class (if we won't count the babies of liza and zyra who got out of UP during our 3rd and 2nd year, respectively) thus her arrival has always been the most anticipated. 

8 meeting up with fellow wormies at the film festival

our class have always been present at these film festivals since our student days so it wasn't a surprise when we bumped into each other at the most recent one in ayala. what a relief when i saw jessa, tiffany and lyng again (boosters to my confidence, providers of instant comfort, witnesses to my transformation, unconditional friends to my confused soul, ears to my hours' worth of complaints, worries, little joys and success, molders to the person i am now). it's been weeks and months (with lyng).

(italized words form an excerpt from my graduation message to them)

7 japanese cheesecake at leona's

not so sweet, so safe.

6 the free yet unnamed cake at leona's

... which they just handed over to us when we entered the dessert haven. it was good and the best thing about is they didn't charge us for a whole unselfish test slice.

5 getting my high school classmates to attend mass

4 jollibee morning with kids from a community

"Thank you so much for making the kiddie party  possible! with this, you are now ready to pay it forward. sa uulitin!"

(thank you text from one of the organizers and my friend, andre)

3 lunch reunion with my high school classmates jesseca and jamie

and i learned how much (info) i was missed about our old friends. katrina is taking up education. osang has a boyfriend. noemi has always been sickly? dorbien and mark are living in with their respective partners (what?). joseph the computer smartie hasn't graduated yet. i wouldn't want to know what has happened to the rest of the guys. to save me from instantly believing utterly wrong news, i might have to see them myself. (where art thou?)

2 a weekend away from home

yes, it was the first weekend ever that i was actually out more than in the house.

1 halohalo at the stall nearest to cinema one at the ayala center

yum.

since this varies on a weekly/monthly basis, let me inform you.

SOUNDTRACK of my life AT THE MOMENT:

1 UpDharmaDown Giving Birth

2, 3 Anthony and the Johnsons Fist Full of Love/Hope There's Someone

4, 5, 6, 7, 8 Arcade Fire Cold Wind/Neighborhood #1/In the Backseat/No Cars Go/Rebellion

9, 10, 11 Badly Drawn Boy Silent Sigh/Something to Talk About/ The Shining

12 Chantal Kreviazuk Time

13 Leona Naess Charm Attack

14, 15 Nina Simone Just in Time/My Baby Just Cares for Me

16 Led Zepplin Tangerine

17 Broken Social Scene Major Label Debut

before i looked for the cheeze nibbles...

This is just great. There is a Go Nuts, Donuts branch that just opened at the Robinson’s Mall, which is – thank you very much – just at the other end of my standard daily walking exercise; which means, the only doughnut I can tolerate is THIS accessible already. Pity me, oh gods and goddesses of good food.

I'm never a fan of doughnuts, let me stress that. But I love the one with the pastillas filling from Go Nuts (gawd, of all flavors, it has to be the one that sounds most like that devil of a sweet stick that gave me my 20+ increase in the weighing scale), and somehow, I learned to love the one with the choco-hazelnut filling, mocca, cinnamon, and the list goes on. Zap me dead, I’m now a fan of Donuts.

And after finishing at 7:25 am today the last of three doughnuts I bought yesterday (to save you from trying to estimate what I can still finish within the day – just don’t), my cravings shifted to Cheeze Nibbles.

after looking for the cheeze nibbles...

... which, by the way, i didn't find at the nearest mini-grocery from home; so i bought piattos in roadhouse barbecue instead. what a filthy mouth. on the bright side, i have an article out.

food aside...

i remember in the past few weeks, when i have an article out on print, the most recent ex-boyfriend of my sister whom we all don't like (a.k.a. dandan who is trying to win back my sister, by the way, after a freakish one-month relationship last year) would text to cheer me on and congratulate me for a great article. i never considered it crap (fool me) and even gave him a chance of getting my reply. i knew he was trying to win my sister by winning us first (foolest him). he wish. 

then he sent me a freaky 6-message message apologizing for breaking my sister's heart before and saying things like, "whether my fighting for her back would work or not..." blah, blah, blah. so, it was all crap. and i'm the foolest for even believing that he liked my writing. not that he'd know the difference between a good and a bad one.

pahabol...

we had quite a treat during lunch on poppy's birthday (during my "wee bit" visit in ormoc) when he sent a bouquet of flowers for her. maica's greatest mistake was leaving the "i'm sorry for hurting you..." crappy of a message pasted on the paper, for every nosy eyes to read. (buzzer ON) and i did read it. so did ting.

all together now: "no way jose."

in this case: "no way caveman."

(haha, that's 5 years more to the years of single-blessedness for my sister iana and i)

happy trick or treat to all. may your loot bags be filled...

thanks to Phillips (or should i completely blame it on my forgetfulness to do even the smallest things like turning off the CD player), i will have to stay hungry of music playtime unless i get unlazy enough to turn on the computer and patient enough to wait on its turtle speed. they're charging me P 2,950 for the lens (that i broke by the way). alright, alright, it's my fault.

i was willing to shell out P 500 from my own pocket but i didn't expect 4 digits. i made the lady repeat the amount to me around 4 times since i also have a hearing problem at times. and darn, i did get it right the first time around.

ouch.

so now, between my obsession for broken social scene and a few nina simones is this tube box that thank you very much, i already get so much time with. in fact, i spend more time with the computer more than with anything else in my life now. how sad is that? so sad.

yesterday, i filled myself up with energy to make up for my two days of leave but i found myself being dragged instead of taking charge. i had a few teary moments when ms sheela, ms setty and malou asked me how my home visit was. thank God -- people have been telling me that i'm fast becoming mean, but i haven't completely gone indifferent. hooorah.

to top that dragging hell, i read the comment of one of our biggest clients to ms sheela who took care of my businesses while i was away. "thanks for the speedy reply." darn, i never, in my 2 months, got that. darn. darn. darn.

i know darn's been said too much, but in the original draft i had for this post (which i accidentally erased -- oh gee, i forgot something!), i made use of my "shitty" powers. so, you shouldn't feel getting too much of it. honestly, you want to make it sound shitty.

thanks to ms sheela who'd been such a consolation yesterday.

thanks to vera, who taught me yesterday the importance of glancing at my cellphone once in a while. how often do you get a VIP ticket for a jazz musician concert?

i wanted to strangle myself and lose some breathing rights for a while, which by the way was no surprise yesterday, since that really crossed my mind a thousand times. my only mistake was that i placed it at the bottom of the to-do list, after all the work i still needed to finish. well, i never got to finish those needed work so i never got to that item. darn.

vera, yours were the words yesterday. keep it up. (and hopefully, with your power with poetry, you can tell me how you got jazzed.) 

turning 50 is an excuse for a good celebration. and we had a great one yesterday, in honor of my pop's 50th. in fact, it was too good -- the food most especially -- that cousins and i got too comfortable with our two meters away seating from the buffet table and found ourselves making time at a time (or one kind of food at a time) visits to the same table.

can i say, happy birthday?

happy birthday poppy. (this makes a one-day delay greeting)

tonight, i'll be back to cebu and tomorrow, i face christophers, alexandras, veronicas, and too much realities in the furniture industry again.

i went on air in national television.

my sister warned me about it, that my love for studio 23's breakfast has moved up in the spectrum of obsession. nahhhhh. let's not put it that way. and in order for me to put it in the proper way, i have to start from the beginning.

there's a new breakfast with only patty laurel, jc laurel and atom araullo hosting. (wahhh, where's my bam?) it's the usual companion to my early morning before work skyflakes and iced tea. they no longer have the pop question segment (there goes my only claim to fame) but they have an on the air portion that allows viewers to greet people on air.

that's where i came in on friday. and i repeat: i went on air in national television. i wanted to make sure i could make it the last week since their hot guest host was no less than my dream guy personified, paolo soler.

according to my sister, i was so excited that jc actually said, "uy, excited." thanks crazy. anyway, it really sealed off my day to a good start. i was all smiles at the office though nobody there watches the show. i did tell my teacher at the workplace ms sheela that i greeted her on air (it's her birthday today).

so when i realized i put on the wrong outfit for the event that the boss wanted me and ms setty to attend, i was still all smiles. and even when i had to fit in the small-sized black blouse to fit with the white jacket that ms daisy was kind enough to let me borrow, i was still all smiles. really, funny things happen in that office, especially in the design section. a make-up kit is on stock. a lot of black blouses. high heels. cover jackets. and that's because the designers usually come in all dressed down, which is a total no-no when they have to show up at the showroom.

well, on that particular day, it did save the clueless fresh grad out of me.

breakfast happy always to you.

vera, my constant reader, i love you. you give my comments box a life. i'm curious about the "ivi, we have to talk..." talk. what's up?

yesterday, i had a normal conversation with sir kenneth, ms estela and ms setty at cafe havana after KC's talk at park lane. he didn't want to stay for the event lunch because the people were at fan mode (hey, that's my job! :)

it was weird how i just got out of my silent mode (which is eternally turned on at the office when he's around) and bombed them away with questions. like:

how did he and ms estela end up working together (she gave up her full-time teaching at UP and spends more time at ICI). long story, but one that defined the start of a very cool working relationship between the two. i think it's only ms estela who can straight on tell him what she thinks, i.e. about his work, words, looks, etc.

what teaching is to him (he lectures at UP) considering that he is such a big shot busy guy right now, it just eats up his spare time and he doesn't get any monetary gain from it (not that you can actually expect anything monetary from this school).

and he didn't at all hesitate in storytelling how he actually failed to get in UP's art department (he actually failed on anything that has something to do with design? apparently, yes) after i asked him about his short stint at UP diliman. but i guess that only did him well (the failing i mean). hello, pratt?

design. art. a cabinet he worked on that made use of a lot of condoms (which funnily was also the work that first caught ms estela and ms christy's eyes when they were looking for a furniture guy to work with a few years back).

it's cool to be around these people. cooler that he paid for my weird chicken order which i unconsciously picked out from the menu (hey, i've been to table 7 a couple of times but never to its havana neighbor). and coolest, to ride in his benz.

i am hooked on broken social scene, an independent eclectic pop/alternative/electronica band based in canada. a budding music critic in philippine star kept on mentioning this band in her column and though more often than not i just read through reviews and don't make an effort to look it up, this one had a noisier calling. not that they're noisy. i associate their sound to the local band daydream cycle and my most favorite, updharmadown. (for those interested, access their site by clicking on them band's name)

their story is a funny read. originally, it was composed of only 2 members. they did well in the recordings but when it came performing live, they had to get other people to fill in the other sounds. and that's because each song would make you think there are a 100 of things going on without feeling that you're getting drowned by it. 

they master the eclectic pop/alternative/electronica sound without so much vocals but heavier on instruments. and to me, that speaks of more talent especially when all the instruments they put in (i'm hearing violins, a lot of different-sounding guitars, drums, bass, other unnameable works) actually create a harmony that makes them stand out. and i like bands who make an effort to differ in sound, and not just make up for lyrics (like my eternal fave, updharmadown). i like bands who make an effort to sound different.

did i get you hooked already? it does wonders to my sudden bouts of depression. so you might be saving yourself from a rope, too many sleeping pills or a gun. hehe, joke.

(i know the post's title is lame. i guess you get a lot of lameness when you miss out on a lot of posting days)

maybe i should check my resume before i buck in cowardice or sense of insecurity. i don't have much to back me up as yet. why am i feeling useless? did i really imagine i could just hoard dozens of working experiences within a year from my graduation? i daydream too much. but i'm getting an MBA, that's for sure.

so my deskmate is turning out to be a great help. i made Ms Setty promise that she'd tell me how i'm doing in terms of how low i always try to put myself in just so i could get people to understand if i make mistakes. what a loser. so now, i'm no longer dropping the words "tanga" and "forgetful" in the midst of my teachers. though that's not at all untrue, i should not remind them that i am. i should even stop reminding myself that i am. high time to put on a cloak of... responsibility and self-trust. i could do that.

anyway, i'm doing a lot of writing for the company. i haven't seen the end of the newsletter -- not even the start -- and i gave myself until the end of the week. now, i'm working on caretags and KC's short description. i don't know if i should just lay out the facts the way his old description went but then that's just not me. so enter a great thinker's pep phrase, "no limitations, no expectations". if he wants it changed, then he will get it changed. but let me let him hear my voice first.

anyway part two, i just sneaked some wee hours of the morning time away from my caretags and descriptions. yesterday, when they talked to me about the caretags, i just stood there and took notes while they seated discussed what should be in it. much like a mute journalist. i don't know why i'm always shut and dumbed down in the midst of these people. open sesame. nope, that's not the magic word. abra kadabra. please. Help me God. mushi mushi. tra la la.

I'll stick to Help me God. after all, He does all the time.