i feel for every line of paramore's oh star. if you're not too lazy, you could scroll down and read the lyrics yourself. perrrrfect. not that i'm in idealistic mode again. don't worry, no dreams talk after almost a week of being silent.

on the same positive note, work is getting busier. yes, busy is positive now. my co-worker honeyleth and i have been really bored the first week, doing close to nothing while everybody fussed about. thankfully, our boss, Sir Kenneth, took time off from his overly busy schedule and gathered us all in the marketing, production and shipping departments. i am now officially taking care of ICI businesses all over america. and yesterday, i got my first welcome note from panama.

never thought it would be this cool. how long it would seem cool, let's wait and see. but like how every negative comment of mine ends -- positive thinking please!

on thursday night, i dropped by the CDN office to get the recorder, only to be met by gerard pareja and his endless pursuits to have me agree on representing this daily news in the Ms. Freedom pageant. i thought it was over. (well, it never started for me. tsk)

this afternoon, narsheen and i will be interviewing the fourth model CDN will be featuring in Play. i don't get the significance but i think they make good fillers on Play! subject-less sundays. actually, ms niza and gerard coaxed me into asking sir kenneth if we could have him but i'm still working my way around.

though i'm totally okay with the rest of the office people, i think it would take a longer time to get used to the presence of a Kenneth Cobonpue and his wife, Ms Susanne. they're not bad at all, they're super.

so far, the bad-est complaint i have in my notebook (a multi-tasker itself, serving both my growing ICI life and deteriorating but still alive CDN life) is ..cut for my so-called career safety purposesb.. this is bad and i'm going to get fired but haha, this is my blog. 

seriously now, i know i just have to kick out this snooty attitude and do as told. and if this helps, i did get a surprisingly good amount for my first pay-cash (didn't get a check).

i spent P200 of which on the first hour after getting out of work, buying myself Pringles in ketchup and the lady and her kids in the skywalk over troubled traffic bread, cheeze and milk.

sidenote: so as to get "being useless" out of their job descriptions, the government people should do something about the homeless. in the mornings, it's like a concentration camp up there in the skywalk. in one corner, around 10 kids sleep in discomfort and dirt. 

i think it's unforgiveably unfair how the government could easily shell out millions for a small crowd of visiting foreigners in december and not on the larger number of people who live nowhere, eat nothing, and for whom life is no such thing but only a matter of getting through the day.

and i did watch updharmadown on september 9. it was a last minute addition on my already busy saturday. it just had to have a place in there. i mean, hello (?!?), i think i waited long enough. and i loved this foursome music genuises since the first time i heard oo and the world is our playground...

but more of that later.

today is my fourth day in work. now curse me for staying silent in my past four work days but my card is out of credit and the nearest internet cafe is a long walk (it used to be short but i'm growing lazier in my walking habit).

it's all great. and boring, but only because we're not doing much as yet. the most fun i've had i have to say was during the visit of 20-plus foreigners (and a few Filipinos). my marketing buddy honeyleth and i assisted sir allan in showing them around the showroom. somebody complimented me on my being a mass comm graduate because i'm "selling" very well. ha ha, take that for somebody who never tread on call center ground because she thought she could never sell anything.

well, i didn't exactly sell anything that day, but that's only because (as the funny chinese girl perenially repeated) everything is so expensive. yes, it is. but to me, it's all worth every penny. amazing is another perenially mentioned word in the working place. (but i think the older staff members are SO used to it)

today, sir kenneth passed around an email from an Ocean's 13 producer. yep, that's the 3rd installment of the george clooney-brad pitt tandem, for which several kenneth cobonpue pieces were bought, used and displayed to the world (soon anyway). the producer mentioned how a lot of the movie's biggies fussed over the dragnet chair (ha, that's interior crafts lingo for you) and asked if she could have one made for herself. i know i just stepped in this kind of world, but it really felt great to be there.

for how long, honeyleth asked me. i kept mum. so far, so good. so far, i'm enjoying. i think it's the best time to play "live by the moment."

i am leaving for cebu in 2 hours and the next time i could sit in front of this computer will probably be in december. the next time i could cuddle up with bienni my love in mother's bed. the next time i could just lie down and read back issues of time magazine with my father. the next time i could open an actual refrigerator (one that has more than 5 items). the next time i can sit down and have lunch with the family. the next time i could feel the luxury of having some of my favorite people on earth within 50 meters. the next time i could be home. all in december.

sucks.

and what's worst, i don't know what to write in what will be my last post written in this comfort of a room for the next few months. i still have paramore's music in the background. all angsty, yet they give me comfort. hmmm.. should that say anything? my boat hasn't left, yet i'm already missing.

i am such a sucker for drama.

bye all.

Oh star fall down on me
Let me make a wish upon you
Hold on, let me think
Think of what I'm wishing for

Wait, don't go away.
Just not yet.
Cause I thought,
I had it.
But I forget.

And I won't let you fall away,
From me.
You will never fade.
And I won't let you fall away.
From me.
You will never fade away from me.

And now I let my dreams consume me,
And tell me what to think.
But hold on,
Hold on.
What am I dreaming?

Wait, don't go away.
Just not yet.
Cause I thought,
That I had it.
But I forget.

And I won't let you fall away,
From me.
You will never fade away.
I won't let you fall away.
You will never fade away.

And I won't let you fall away.
You will never fade away.
And I won't let you fall away from me,
You will never...

Oh star fall down on me.

Oh Star by Paramore

weird, i'm listening to vienna boys choir. i didn't intend to but my sister's been flooding the music library with Christmas songs from these boys and nothing beats feeling the Christmas atmosphere as early as september. one song led to another and a lot.

and i realized then that on the days leading to Christmas, i will be alone in cebu. and that's the worst time to be alone -- on the days leading to Christmas. it's true then what john irving said (rephrased), when you find the kind of life you love, you need to have the courage to live it.

ring Christmas bells. 

my friend vera tagged me and asked how ormoc is. i thought of it and in my mind i toyed with the reason that i did not choose to stay here (for good) because i see my sense of purpose somewhere else. if only i were not too conscious about all that purpose talk, it would have been my first choice to make this sleepy town my base. but i am too conscious, overly conscious in fact.

and indeed, i found a purpose in cebu. i am going back there tomorrow. sob.

the whole of today, i tried to complete my requirements for work. i now know more than one fact about SSS -- i mean aside from that it stands for Social Security System. i also found out that getting a police clearance is more difficult than getting an NBI record. i don't understand that but then... isa na po akong ulirang miyembro ng ciudad at sumusunod sa batas. i got a cedula. if i'm not mistaken, that's the official enlistment to the tax-paying world. and i don't believe in that either. but isa na po akong ulirang... blah blah blah.

let's talk light now. my mother's celebrating her 51st birthday tonight. we gave her a bundle of balloons shaped like a woman. it's weird but it makes her feel like a 6-year-old. funny though, that didn't really make her happy. she's obviously okay with 51. 

i've also been playing paramore's let it go (click and find the never let it go in the page; other paramore's must-hear are my heart and oh star) in my sister's ipod. the songs falls under the same category as updharmadown's Oo, that category of songs that make me want to get hurt just to have a license to feel their strength and angst. maybe the blaming should all go to the soulful armi of updharmadown and the angsty hayley williams of paramore, their chords such tidal waves of the musical sort. i know i sound like a masochist. but that's one tendency of music i find pleasurable.

honestly, i have so many things to post but a lot of revelations have happened these past hours. of what. by whom. to whom. i may not be able to dish out the details. i'll never know who's reading.

---

ver, in a word, eating. i've just been eating. my obsession here is mai's avocado ice candy. and also the pack of pastilla's my sister's ex-boyfriend bought her. i don't like him at all, but carigara's pastillas is too good to pass, regardless of who gave it. and my sister's on a diet so i always finish it for her.

happy week ahead, hopefully, hopefully, for all of us.

updharmadown is finally coming to cebu. they're slated for a september 9 concert in country mall. and i want to strangle myself -- or my sense of scheduling. i placed a gathering to post-celebrate my birthday with college friends on that very day, and i think i've been circulating it long enough and wide enough for my buddies to have marked it on their calenders as well.

is this what good scheduling is?

not at all.

anyway, i'll try to get my way around it.

you might not believe what's happening now. it's all out. my identity. my integrity. my dignity. kidding. i did not lose any of that. but people have different take on things. hmmm... (if you're a natural snoop and would like to snoop around, message me and ask what this is all about).

now let me keep my promise to jaqi and give you a short post.

the end.

it's good to be home in ormoc. i won't be here for long -- and a greater part of my visit will be dedicated to completing my requirements for work (gasp!) -- but it's going to be a blast. my mother is under the same roof. my favorite object of annoyance -- that's bienni my love -- is always around to be annoyed. there are more than 30 items in the fridge (last check: avocado ice candy, butterscotch, chocolates!). my father's collection of time magazine are within reach (and i'm so excited for work, i want to look for the issue that featured my boss.. hilassssssssssss!). some of my favorite people on earth (uncles, aunties, cousins) are within walking distance. the company of my father and my siblings on a high. jeepney rides and taxi indulgences put to rest. endless internet access for free (!)

and more.

i have to tell you, i just got an email from ETSA, the migration agency, and they asked me to fill up a form. i don't know what form this is, what's important to know is that it will be a step closer to my aussie fantasy. but i think i'll let it wait.

last night, i met up with a couple of members of this local band called phylum. vera asked me to write an article about them, hopefully for Indi. i think it would be cool, i've always imagined myself writing anything about music, though i don't think my music jargon would be of any help. okay fine, i'll just make use of what i have in my pocket of a thousand words (matud pa ni vera the poet) or i could always go through my collected igan d'byan articles.

though i don't completely agree with his take on life, i think everybody should meet tonton, the band's lead guitar. so far, he is the most free-spirited guy or person i've met. he's been in the seminary for 8 years, finished philosophy and another course (basta double major) in USC, finished the 4 years of law school in UV, and now, a full-time band member. he's also experienced being a stokwa (if i remember it right, all of the members have gone through the same experience) for six-months and sold a whole variety of stuff to get by (i forgot the details).

when vera grilled him about taking the bar, he said that if he'd go after that, it would be a completely new turf, new path, new direction that if he would take now, he'd have to give up the music life. for now, he's just living by the moment -- and that is being a musician, specifically a runner of the phenomenon that is the biz rock.

one interesting guy, so to put it. it's not safe to be that cool about life, but heck, what's better than to always have a bright side to look at?

we all learn from these guys, stokwa, law school graduate, full-time musician or what. my good, i listened.

i blog like it's the only friend i have. now that the days are ticking off to my first day at my first official job (as in, i'm officially employed), i am thrilled. but i want to set myself in reality ground and hook myself to it before i jump wholeheartedly into the new world i'm about to enter. so that when the new world doesn't open its arms to me completely, at least i have a fall-back, and that is my feet still firmly planted on the ground. it is going to be alright.

but while nothing like that is happening, let me keep it that way -- that is, nothing like that happening.

this afternoon, i met the people i'll be working with. i also got to meet for the second time sir kenneth cobonpue. he's taller than the last time i saw him. what i'm only sure of is that this moment of awe (or in a more blunt term, "moment of starstruck") will slowly drift away as each new day comes. i mean, what other result can you expect if you have him as a boss? and specifically, my co-marketing trainee and i are directly under his supervision.

that sounds scary. but as i have come to realize, everything is scary about stability.

and worst, i really don't know what i've gotten myself into. all i know is that it is a company i fully believe in. there's no other way to take in what you see over there -- except that to fully believe in it. the word amazing has been overused, but you there couldn't possibly be any way to say it better. amazing. so i'm thankful that i'm working in a company that i believe in.

thank You, for Your graces, it's just been amazing.

so now, i'm speaking SSS, NBI record, police clearance, Phil. Health., blah, blah, blah. it's for real. i'm part of that world. really, i couldn't care less about the benefits. i just want the experience, the growth, and whatever salary i deserve from that.

so back to the people i met today. michael. psychology graduate. he's going to be at the HR department. ate irene. industrial engineering graduate. married. she's going to take care of the planning and controlling at the production department. ate honeylette. married. former "call girl". my partner at the marketing. we are both assigned in the export division while another guy named allan is assigned to the domestic. the first two people i met before i met these 4 were another allan, who is just funny and cool and ms marichu who is the nicest. and of course, sir kenneth, who isn't any less cooler and nicer. 

so here goes. my first job. i don't how long i'm going to last. i don't know if i'll reach the end of the 3rd month, during which the first evaluation will be done and i might get terminated. i don't know if i'll reach the end of the 5th month, after which i could possibly become a regular or i could be terminated. what i'm only sure of is that i'm going to make the most. of the experience. of the growth. of the learning. of the fun. of the creativity. of it all. this is my first job. and i'm ready.

hopefully, hopefully.

(i noticed that my entries have become longer. for jackie who'd rather read one-paragraph posts, i'll remind myself of this while typing away my next entry. hoooolah. muah.)

they got ryan star out of the show, and that's another unbelievable moment down rockstar supernova's archive.

i know i've been rooting for storm large ever since but she's been rocking on danger ground since "i will survive". i'm sorry for not daring to be loyal, but ryan's been doing so good you can't help but fall in love with him. plus, plus, plus, he did play mastermind of the probably one of the best rockstar performances ever (do you need to ask what else? "losing my religion" of course!) and he's so hot, hot, hot.

i am so disappointed. i think the three oldies feel threatened by him. (i have to break my silence though; i've been harboring an odd but super crush on gilbey clarke. he resembles louie talan, maybe that's just the reason. or perhaps not maybe. maybe for real, most probably. what?!!?)

anyway, on his ending speech (bravo for his pride) he said this (something like it): "if i were frontman of your band, we would have made great music for 20 years. but i respect your decision, and i'm sorry for that. see you at the top of the charts when i'll also be hanging."

er, can you repeat that? (definitely, the three were threatened.)