i'm downloading songs from my current favorite watch now, rockstar supernova. i never watched a single episode from rockstar inxs, so i'm guessing that this loyalty just grew out of my fanfare over the so-over american idol season 5. but as the weeks go, the glue that got me stuck on the all-rock show just got more sticky, especially that i'm eyeing specific favorites now. so i'm all out glued, and tight.

from the first episode, i liked storm large and jill joia. but jill's vocals that she always plays to the hilt is getting more annoying, it's like the only thing that she's got and nothing else. i hope she learned from the last episode though when the guys didn't favor her all-out performance of don't you forget about me (which, if i remember it right, is off the Breakfast Club OST). tommy lee had a point when he said it was the low vocals that gave the song more sexy points but she totally missed that point. there you go, jill. 

storm large is just getting larger for me (now i sound like an illegitimate music critic). she is so much fun. she could go hard rock (which i don't like) to slow rock (which i just love). i so, SO, so love her take on david bowie's changes (actually, it was the first time i heard the song). but taking back the point i just made on hard rock.. i did enjoy her first performance (which was hard) and her anything, anything performance (which was really hard) and her other performance whose title i forgot (the one that saw her in chun-li hair gear). she is just rockin' cool (grrr, i sound so, so, so like those rockin' blech).

if there's no storm large, i'd definitely root for dilana. for me, she's the only one that could claim the legitimate rocker tag. she's just a natural. i repeat, a natural. she can get away with anything -- even in heavy leather and (what seemed like) a thousand piercings all over her while singing the old favorite ballad time after time. and no, she did not turn ballad to sing that song; the song actually turn rock when she sang it. she delivers. she really does. and she's too nice for a rocker with tattoos and piercings all over. and i like nice.    

my first crush i have to say was ryan star; but it was only when he did losing my religion that he totally bowled me over. and you know how i'd go gaga (am i even allowed to use this word to refer to rockers?) over guys behind the piano (and a classic one at that). he nailed it for me. no, not the rockstar supernova title, but the song, the music, the evening. he was a star; even if only for that night.

the rest, more or less, are just decorations to my rockstar supernova mornings and evenings. i know it's an insult especially that i've left out other favorites such as lukas and magni, and even patrice and (for reasons i don't think i'd ever understand) zayra. but i just can't pick out a performance of theirs over the others. or is it my bad memory? all i remember vaguely is that lukas is a natural on stage and magni is a nice-looking guy. either they've been consistently wonderful on stage or have been consistently okay. they're just that: consistent. 

among those whom i have mentioned, only zayra (which by the way is interestingly pronounced as za-i-ra) doesn't know consistency. she bowls everyone with the one big surprise that she is. the problem is that: her consistency doesn't belong to such a stage. one thing i'm sure though, she can be the next bjork. weird and stand-out vocals.

okay, let's talk about josh logan (did i bring him up already?). i know he's reached the top 10 but i think he's lost. i like him but he's lost. and i like him because he insists on fusing what he calls soul to the hardrock music of supernova and that's good, because he knows what he wants and he's getting attention in trying to show what he wants. so kudos to that.

among all the rockstar shows (all five of them), my favorite was definitely the last one, with the santeria, baba o'riley, changes, losing my religion, clocks, performances. for me, dana nailed the who's baba o'riley song very well (or is it only because i haven't heard of it before?) and i'm truly saddened that it was also the performance that booted her out (must be the spa).

all in all, the show is really a rock music information sheet and a 15-week rock tribute. unlike in american idol wherein the singing wannabees choose their songs according to what mix well with their vocals, in rockstar, the rock wannabees choose their songs according to what the song means to their journey as a rock enthusiast. but that's just what i think. i don't know what they think. i just say and judge it by how i see them in their performances, the way they rock it out, no limits, no boundaries. it's all about rocking and nailing it. that's that.

for those who are still lost by the rockstar schedules, it shows in starworld on wednesdays (performances), 8:00 am 8:00 pm, and thursdays (decisions), 8:00 am and 8:00 pm. happy rocking!

there is something about coming home in ormoc that allows reaching out inside the fridge as the very first thing to attend to. even before i enter my mother's room and kiss her hello. even before i settle my travel bags in my sisters' room (note how i never claim it as my room).

reaching out inside the fridge is just the first thing that comes into my mind. probably because even before i can see the last of the cebu channel from my seat in the fast craft, i am reminded that there is never a time when the fridge in ormoc is empty, unlike in cebu, which is empty most of the time.

on a sadder note (yep, the habit of reaching out inside the fridge is a sad one; and is it even allowed to say out inside?; hai, all the grammar consciousness in the world and the complexity they bring forth)... on a sadder note, my hands reach out for the most colorful item parked inside the freezer. my soul would have been saved had it been the colors and texture and health content of bananas, watermelon, cantaloupe and apple. but no.

unknowingly (liar! liar! pants on fire!), i reach out for the nestle trio half-gallon ice cream, which is equally colorful and yummy (i beg to disagree: it is yummier!) but (but, but, BUT!) a thousand more calorie-ffic sinful. what more, unlike fruits when you know you've had enough, with ice cream, you know you've had enough but you refuse to believe you've had enough. it's a shame but then again, it's ice cream.

and i'm just a human with a weird love affair with anything fattening.

so there goes my story on how i found myself back in the arms of ormoc. well, actually, i'm not as excited seeing the horizon sketching the bay of ormoc little by little as seeing the new house my family has gotten used to calling our home. there is not a bleak moment in this home (well, except for the panic/attitude/temper attacks each of us has the tendency to succumb to). we are just a very human family after all. my honorary father is also a volcano. my loving mother can also be a cruella de ville. my ever-supportive sisters are also primadonnas. my angel bienni is also a bratz (and a bratz fanatic). and my big brother is also a boy. becca is a girl growing up and lost. and me, i'm only 130 lbs in physique and for show, but in my being gullible to almost anything, i'm merely a pounder. 

Your love is better than ice cream
Better than anything else that I've tried
And your love is better than ice cream
Everyone here know how to fight

And it's a long way down
It's a long way down
It's a long way down to the place
Where we started from

Your love is better than chocolate
Better than anything else that I've tried
Oh love is better than chocolate
Everyone here knows how to cry

It's a long way down
It's a long way down
It's a long way down to the place
Where we started from...

(See how ice cream should look like)

by sarah maclachlan

i think nobody's as stressed out about a call as i am. in short and long lapses during the day, i'd drift off and think what i could have said and done to assure myself of one. if this is not what the song killing me softly is all about, then i'm making my own lyrics to the same melody. it's killing me softly alright. or maybe this is just jitters expected of an unemployed and it's supposed to be normal. ok, let me just get my life going and my job hunting going until i wear out of killing me softlys and useless worries.

i read about faith everyday (in Companion and Kerygma) and the words vary each day although there's only one underlying idea: that we leave the course of our lives to Him (to God, to Jesus Christ, to the Lord). of course, that doesn't mean we just sit in our asses and not do anything. to make Him work in our lives, we also have to get moving. and that's what i'm going to do. maybe working at Club Ultima just sucks. (hehehe, sour grape)

on the brighter side, mother called yesterday evening at home and since i was out with vera, i missed it. she also wasn't able to contact me through my cellphone because vera was still using it. surprisingly, when i returned her call later around 10 pm, she wasn't pissed at all. hai... i wonder if they miss me back there in ormoc. they always said i'm the odd one in the family, but that's not synonymous to black sheep. i'm just odd. so i really wonder if they miss me back there in ormoc.

they better be. this morning, i fell into the clutches of my loneliness (again) and shed more tears. if i were to put it all in a bucket, i think i'd fill a couple of them. i have so many questions: who am i fooling? am i just fooling around? are all these just a big joke? let me rest in peace.

just a few seconds ago, i met up with my friend and old classmate cedric and he asked me about club ultima. i told him that i'm still mourning, that i'm still going crazy over what i could have done/said just to shutter all doubts about my qualifications, that i'm still asking questions everyday, that i'm still waiting. it's not a good thing. i think my sanity is becoming unhealthy. but lest you think it's a big threat, let me promise that on wednesday (august 2), a week-sary of my interview with the big boss, i'm going to let it go. i'll accept that i'm never getting the call and stop asking questions on what i could have done to make it all better. it's not losing faith. it's not losing hope. i could still get the call. i just have to make it clear that in a spectrum on how i feel about it: i am nearing hopelessness. but i have faith that from it, i'll stand and become a stronger job hunter. i have to be. i am here in cebu and i'm going to survive. 

i had a good sunday. my dearest friend vera whom i haven't seen for almost a month dropped by just before lunch and i ended up spending the rest of the day with her.

we had lunch.

we finished two movies: the interpreter, which i really have to watch again and give 100% of my focus to just so i'd finally understand it, and cellular, a kim basinger movie that really puts you at the edge of your sit.

went through the books at RSO (vera is a book lover as well).

heard mass at 6 pm.

ate at the foodcourt in robinson's.

and now, connecting with the the world.

the only time i got pissed off today (yep, i got pissed off on a good sunday, and this time, it's not because loneliness beat me again) was when it dawned on me that there were onions and tomatoes in my shawarma. and i don't like onions and tomatoes in my shawarma. so that shawarma place is a no-no for me already.

officially, i'm a length of time away from my schedule. you might be surprised why a bum has a schedule but just to remind you, i'm alive again in the pages of cebu daily news. originally, i wanted to have finished my first draft for an article due tomorrow but then vera came and talking about what happened after will just bring me back to the beginning (so if you care to read about what happened after, just go back to the beginning).

let's talk about jobs. i still find myself thinking about the interview. maybe i should write about it. vera just mentioned i'll end up writing a very good novel, which is not an alien idea because i would like to be a novelist. i would like to be a screenwriter. i would like to be an award-winning writer. i would like to be a director. i would like to be wanted. appreciated. ... here i go again. maybe a period could knock my head back to reality and remind me that i still don't have a job so i better not treat in scarrier territories. period.

by the way, i might tutor koreans. like what a date with drew's brian herzlinger's mother told him: it's better to have something coming in than nothing coming in. yes.

(about the font. i got conscious because vera just told me that the font in my blog is too small so i'm trying this out. don't worry, if it bothers, then i'll go back to what i started with)

(and lastly, thanks vera for dropping by. you put a very good dent to my usually bleak sundays.)

i miss you poppy, mommy and bienni.

ronald bass is a screenwriter nobody wants to hear about. get this: he wrote rain man (oscar awardee for best original screenplay), the joy luck club, when a man loves a woman, dangerous minds, waiting to exhale, my bestfriend's wedding, how stella got her groove back, what dreams may come, stepmom and many others. i think he just wrote around 10 favorite movies. ok, ok, we all love to hear about him.

i'm just wondering out loud (what lifestyle channel always blurts out): it's good to be ronald bass! screenwriters may not earn much, but to be blessed with such to be able to write such, i don't think he'd really need moolah to have something to shove into people's faces. well, hello, he's not paris hilton.

hands down as well to john irving, my current favorite, favorite writer. out of his (around) 10 novels, 5 have been turned into movies. even one of my favorite films, simon birch, was based on his novel, a prayer for owen meany. i never even realized that until i bumped into his writing credits. hands down. fingers down. wow. 

cheers to both. may i be part of your league soon.

*smirk*

lalalalalalala... that's me now, just bumming, just waiting, not at all exciting... er, excited.

i spent the afternoon at my alma mater, my dear UP naming mahal. please don't assume i feel proud roaming around my alma mater, being a fresh graduate. in fact, i feel like a useless piece of society and the two things i need the least right now is for someone to confirm that and for younger batches to think that i'm such a bummed out unemployed bum with nothing better to do than shove her weight around. 

that's just me still feeling, well, bummed out, that i haven't gotten the call, a call, any call at all. to put it simply, i am so hurt. and i could go on and on why i am hurt. i. really. am. hurt. why didn't i get the call? and if i won't find out why i didn't get the call at all, i know it's going to kill me, it's really going to kill me. i hope they read this: it's. going. to. kill. me.

so let me talk about a good thing. alex. (why does he still mater until now?) well, i saw him a thousand times today, including one when he suddenly appeared in front of me and i suddenly turned my back on him. (oh why oh why can't i stand still at his presence? it's not like my presence would make a dent in his life, ugh.)

a better news: jessa likes alex. (that's one of my dearest friends, jessa)

haha, i don't know if i meant it at all but i told her that if something comes up between her and alex (something sweet, i meant there) that she'd better tell me. would i really want her to tell me? hmmm... let me think. well, i think it would less painful if i get it straight from her than if she hides it from me and i'll learn it from somebody else. stop. why are we even talking about bad things?

well, for one, jessa and alex are really good friends. next, jessa is one of my dearest friends in this world. three, i think i'm going to be hurt. four, i am so paranoid. but in this world, anything can happen. i wish we were in another world. me and alex. kidding, haha. really, he don't mean that much to me anymore. i think it's because i'm done with college and i already belong to the woman population that rallies behind the "careers matter more" tagline a lot. that's a really. but when i see him, it's another tagline. gulp, "i might still not over you." (is that even grammatically right?)

better news: one of my dear friend vera's work for abs-cbn cebu has been "pirated" by abs-cbn manila, in nobody less than korina sanchez's show "rated K". why is she dear? well first, she reads my blog. second, she's the only one who really reads my blog. (do you vera?) third, she's a nice friend who boosts my ego a lot (even though i didn't even earn it). number four, she's a true friend who'd kick your ass if she has to. just kidding. well, she's really true, but she wouldn't kick ass. her words are gonna kick ass though. and there's a fifth, i'm a fan of her poetry. (though most of the time i wonder where she gets it, the talent i mean).

so here: you know what i think? i miss my lola a lot. and my family. and i'm trying to get out of the house more often so i don't even have to think about how much i miss them. i miss reading to bienni basically because i just read reading to children helps a lot in their skills and i want to help a lot bienni with her skills. though she's only four, i want her to get ahead of others. haha, stage sister. but that's when i only feel that i'm really of use at least to one growing up child.

until i get a job, i guess that's how i'll only be of use.

i am officially heartbroken. i think i should even stop reading The Hotel New Hampshire by John Irving because it talks so much about hotels, especially that the title hotel is run by one of the strangest families i know, whose members are the protagonists of the book. actually, it's only really the father and his eldest son who are strange. but i don't want to talk about it further. and i don't want to stop reading the novel. besides, i'm really just talking about the no job call back near insanity i am going through at this moment. in one word: it hurts.

er, two words.

i don't get it. or i refuse to get it. it just all seemed to be in order, the interview i had with the boss. or i maybe i saw through all my flaws and skipped it in the self-evaluation i made of the interview i had with him on wednesday. during this self-evaluation, i remembered that i failed to stand up when he entered the room where i was waiting to be interviewed. that alone could have sent his hopes for a new office staff member in me down. what a shame. how could i have forgotten to stand up?

if it's not that, then maybe it was the way i talked. maybe i was too nervous that i didn't make any sense. maybe i talked too fast. too slow. too stupidly. i am crushed. aside from that i'm not getting any call back, i will never know what i could really have done to have gotten a job out of that second interview. i am so weak. no, i am a weakling. i am experiencing a no job call back slump, near insanity. ring, ring, heartbreaker hotel.

ring, ring.

on the brighter side, there's no brighter side. aside from korean tutorials, i don't know where else to submit my resumes. i had that right in front of me like how i had the marriott hotel right in front of me. if i'm not getting any of the two, at least i stroke homerun with the lessons i'm going home with. stand up. talk slow. continue being myself. ugh, i failed my family. in the midst of this blobbingdom, i had forgotten that they were so excited for me. ugh, heartbreaker hotel, look what you have done.

hmmm... doesn't mariah carey has a song with the same title?

on God i lift my hopes high and up. only to Him or nothing.

catch my tagboard for announcements. okay, let me do it here:

happy birthday tio perokee, he's forty tomorrow. (a low-down on tio perokee) before he was married to our cool aunt tita rina, he was the coolest tito (well, he's still the coolest to this day). he'd take us nieces and nephews to the mall and watch a movie. he'd pay for food for us all at mayong's and when we were younger, he'd take us to the parks. he's really a younger father to us all. for that, we love you tio perokee. now, he's got andre, kyra, and bugoy/indong/pedro/peter (that's not four kids, that's just one kid who enjoys many nicknames).

happy 25th birthday melissa, a cousin who is one of the sweetest and hard working cousins i know (well, i don't have too many hardworking cousins).

and to my sister who hasn't invited me to her party next week for her 22nd birthday in the 7th of august, no greetings for you yet. and definitely, no gift plans as well.

to be told that this boxed up personal diary is nice is beyond any expectation; for that, you surprised me spacenoodle. thank you; you're always, always welcome here.

i just have to start with that because it capped off my mediocre day, half of which i spent staring off space, wondering if i'll ever get a job call back (more on this later in this post) and the other half spent visiting my breast doctor and playing in time zone with booshki and bern. tiffany was the only one missing so she scheduled another zone time tomorrow. well, considering that i rarely see my family now, my friends are providing me the comfort. especially that (#1) i'm wondering if i'll ever get a job call back (more on this later in this post) and (#2) mamita just left for canada where she'll be for the next 5 weeks (sob, it's so easy to miss her presence).

(#3) tita rina is throwing a big 40th suprise birthday bash for her hubby and my super tio perok on saturday, july 29. (#4) my sister iana is having a birthday party next saturday, august 6, a celebration i only found out through my other sister's ex boyfriend. how bad is that?

yesterday, i cried myself to sleep again out of nostalgia. i miss my mother so much and though nothing seems okay with it, i think it's completely healthy. if i'm away from home and living away and alone from family and having a blast every minute, that's just going to be creepy. but i cried, i slept through it and thought about my family a lot and that's healthy.

and that's why i need a job. (here comes the job call back story) well, on monday, i submitted my resume to Club Ultima, a new lifestyle center in jones (that's one ride away from home, you hear?) and i got an invitation for an interview the next day. i first met with the HR. the day after that, i met who could be my boss (God willing) and he said at the end of the interview that the HR highly recommended me. well, i know that wouldn't matter unless i get the job. now, a day and a half after that interview, i'm pining for a call. that i need to take an exam. or that i got the job. or that they don't want me because of this, because of that. (God forbid)

but if they won't want me, i just have to know why. or i'll be snooping around every day, asking what's wrong, what i could have done to better it. or if not, i will be spending my money away just so my mind wouldn't venture to what went wrong during the interview with the boss, what i could have done to better it.

you see, i know how to torture myself.

is it but normal that suddenly, i don't feel too sure about it anymore? i just had my first interview with club ultima, a new hotel/everything else here in cebu city. if i were to evaluate, it went just fine; actually, it went great, thanks to the fact that preliminary interview to them is just another brush up with my childhood favorite, autograph signing. and definitely, the Lord backed me up (i prayed too much, or He thinks i deserved to have Him back me up:) Praise the Lord!). there was no way i could have passed through that in all suave-ness. yee haw!  

and then, they called just a while ago. apparently, screening for them (the result of the preliminary interview) only takes seconds and they asked me to see another guy for another interview tomorrow. sure, i have gone through the first interview jitters (or near breakdowns seem more like it) but i know there are lot more jitters to speak of. and probably worst. what if i'm going to make >>>>>>> of myself? or <<<<<<<<<? or ///////////////? or \\\\\\\\?

where did i leave my faith?

in Him. and maybe He's all i need.

and a few practice sessions in my part. :)

i haven't been attending to you for almost a week now. upon arriving here, i had dinner with my grandmother, uncles and aunties and cousins for the celebration of anya's succesfull nursing board exams. i think it really is a mean feat and all i could offer one of my coolest cousins is a real hug and a shout out from this post. you go, anya! another good thing about the dinner is that we had at krua thai, a thai restaurant, and the only other place we dine in if not in mita's house or in a japanese restaurant. :) yum! (not that i still needed to say that)

the next afternoon, mama arrived and while papa attended his batchmates' reunion party (after 25 years since Med school wrapped up; fun!; plus, he gets to see his only other girlfriend; it's a lo0o0o0ong story), we had dinner at tita may's to welcome a certain tito butch palou. he is mother's first cousin but his family has long been manila-based so they never got to see each other much. currently, he is head in a BPI cebu department so he's staying here in cebu city. ho hummm... dearest carla and i got to talk seriously after a lo0o0o0o0o0ong time and while a lot of that was shocking (and i love shocking you), i don't think it should get in here. so deal with it.

on friday, mom and pop spent close to (or a little more than) P10,000 within 3-4 hours in white gold (actually, it was more of mother doing that). if i had that sum and my own house, i wouldn't think twice about doing the same thing. white gold is a haven of a lot of things. of clothes, of food, of grocery, of house things, of school stuff, of a lot. plus they have a raffle that allowed me to bring home an extra bag of lay's and a few packs of chocolates (baby ruth once again! heaven!).

on saturday, i convinced my mom to stay longer in cebu (it was more of until 4 in the afternoon) and so we spent another day in the shopping mall. maica had her underam thing (that thing when you get rid of the hair) after we dropped of mother (huhu!) in the pier and then we watched pirates of the caribbean (with only my new addiction, the Holy Kettle Korn in hand). i say it's just a feast of super effects, great direction and already annoying british accent of the natalie portman look-a-like keira knightly. sorry.

on sunday, after we attended mass at the redemp, maica went home. i waxed my underarms (since i didn't get that underarm thing, which would have been a P14,000 treat from my pop). i cleaned my toes (my very own feet spa). and i cried.

i realized i'm lonely. or i'm missing my family too much.

hang on, little girl, hang on.

you'll grow up.